After that, I cleaned up the ponytail look I was sporting all day, and I took one last look in the mirror. I groaned. I looked terrible. I felt terrible. I just didn't want to leave my house. But I needed to be there for my children, so I would go.
Something most people don't know or understand about the wives of sex addicts is that, though we all have days like these where we feel less than beautiful, the wife of a sex addict feels more validated on these days than on the days she tells herself she looks good. On days where I am up, I can ignore all of the beautiful women my husband lusted after or ran off with, but on days like today when I just feel down right fat and ugly, I have nothing to turn to that tells me otherwise. In fact, I have a lot of things that come to mind that tell me I'm right. I mean, look at the facts! I was not enough........right? That's why he left.........right? It's because I was ugly..........right? Look how beautiful they were. No wonder he left me for them.
These are the kinds of comments that haunt the wife of every sex addict. Boy are they painful!
Where most wives could tell herself, though she might feel fat, her husband loves her anyways, the wife of a sex addict cannot. It's just not the truth for her. (Or at least it doesn't feel like the truth)
I miss those days! Tonight I just really miss those days when I could get myself out of this self hatered rut by telling myself I was enough because hey, I've got a loving man by my side who is true and faithful to me because he thinks I am something special. Those days are gone for me, but I miss them. Tonight I just really miss them.
Tonight I don't feel special. Tonight I have lovely voices reminding me I'm not. Voices reminding me of every woman who stole my husbands heart because I was not enough. I see their faces and their bodies that he lusted after, and it feels like a million deaths.
But it's times like these that I have to remind myself that I am enough for one- my Savior. He knows my heart and He loves me for it. He loves me in the way I truly want to be loved. In the way I crave to be loved. He loves me for WHO I am, not WHAT I am. There is a big difference. Who I am is only seen by really getting to know the me deep down inside. What I am doesn't require a whole lot more than a glance or a few small details. It is easy to see what I am on the surface. (Such as my size or shape, or how my hair is all pulled back in a ponytail that makes me feel totally ugly)
But who I am requires so much more. It takes effort. Real effort. It is my character. The character I have been building for the past 36 years. All of those goals that I set and accomplished, they are who I am. All of the talents I've developed and shared with others, that is who I am. I am the girl who loves the Lord. I am the girl who has remained true and faithful to her covenants with God, even when it was very hard to do so. I am the girl who is open and honest and blunt. I am that girl. I love to serve and bring joy to others. I love to teach and to be taught. I love to exercise and eat healthy. These are characteristics of who I really am.
So on days like today, I HAVE to remind myself WHO I am, not WHAT I am. So who am I? I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven who knows me and still loves me. For Him, I am enough. For Him, I am beautiful. For Him, all good things are made manifest.
How thankful I am for that knowledge in my life. I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven who loves me so much and so perfectly. Because of His love for me, I am a survivor. Because of Him, I can endure to the end. Because of Him, I am able to be me and be totally okay with that. Because of Him, I can and will survive this "ugly" days. I am so thankful for that!
All of this time I have had it so wrong. My worth should never have been even partially dependent on my spouse and his validation. It can and should only be centered on my Savior. He is the only way to true validation and peace in this life.
