Faith

I've been thinking a lot about faith. Faith to move mountains vs Faith to just get through another day. I think I have focused so much of my faith on the belief that we live in hard times and it's going to be even worse at the last days. And I am gearing myself up for those last day hard times. I mean, we are talking earth quakes, tempests, and famine.  And I'm getting ready for it. I'm strengthening my faith for those "hard times" when I will need it the most. You know, when the great divide takes place and half of the members will be foolish and half will be wise, I'm determined to be on that wise side.

But I am learning that I have to prepare more so for those day to day trials. Those day to day famines that take place in our lives. The loss of a loved one to an addiction is very much like a great famine. It is very much an earth shaking experience. Did I prepare enough for these day to day signs that we live in hard times? Is my faith sufficiently strong to sustain me through daily gut wrenching spiritual and emotional pain? It hasn't come in the way I had expected it to, but it is here nonetheless. Am I prepared? Is my faith sufficient to carry me through this?
My husband is also in the thick of this spiritual famine. The world is telling him to feed himself from things that will never satisfy. His choosing a spiritual anorexia over spiritual abundance.
But am I allowing myself to also be caught in this famine? Am I getting the spiritual nourishment I so desperately need?

If the answer is "I hope so," I have a lot of work to do. That answer will only get me so far. I need to be firm in the faith of Christ. I need that perfect brightness of hope. I need to see this trial in my life for what it is- signs of the times.

Am I ready? Can I get through this and maintain my faith in Christ? If the answer is anything but a resounding "yes!" I have work to do within the walls of my own soul.

No Rhyme or Reason

When I started this blog, I was wanting to focus on a story line. I wanted to go through my story in order and really process it. But the more I work my own recovery, the more I realize that my brain doesn't deal with betrayal trauma in a liner pattern like that. My head is all over the place, from the first few years and what I need to deal with there, to the now.
One day I deal with feelings of betrayal about something I remember from 10 years ago, and the next day I am hurting because of something from last year.

So I have decided to just journal my feelings and the day to day events as they come. If they are feelings or events that deal with 10 or 12 years ago, I will process them here. If they are things that I am dealing with right now, I will deal with them as well.

I have to let these emotions and feelings live, be acknowledged, be processed, and then die. That is the only way I will get through this Hell I now find myself in. It is the only way I will be able to remember and record all of the many things I am learning right now.

Healing is not just about my emotional self. It is about how I am doing emotionally, physically and spiritually. My husbands addiction has very much affected all three of these areas in my life and I need to make sure that I am addressing all three. If not, I will not heal. Not completely. I might give the appearance of healing, but if it is not complete, it is not lasting.

So I will be journaling my journey toward healing. My journey toward physical, spiritual and emotional health. It will not be a journey alone. God has been with me every step of the way and I know He will continue to be with me to prompt and guide me. God has helped me to see that this is the only way toward complete healing. And as I have learned so many times, God does not lie. This is about me and my relationship to my Savior.

I cannot trust Mr. Broken, but I can trust God.

So I will be working daily or sometimes just weekly. (or as close as I can come to a consistent journal post)
It is time to heal, to forgive and to move forward. Even if they are baby steps, forward is still forward.

You Can Do Two More Miles

This past weekend was good for me. (which I have learned to appreciate more than I used to. Good days are hard to come by sometimes when you are stuck in trauma)

I met a dear friend at a Time Out For Women (TOFW) event and we spent two days getting our emotional and spiritual buckets filled. (I may touch on some of the things I learned there, later)

I had to drive quite a ways to drop my kids off at my parent's house and then head over to TOFW. So when the event was over, I was going to meet my parents and kids at a hotel, stay the night, then head home the next day. (my parents were so sweet and got the hotel for us)

BUT, before I met them, and right after TOFW, I typed the address to the hotel into my GPS. I was on a spiritual high! I had just filled my spiritual and emotional bucket at TOFW and I felt like I could totally do this whole crazy marriage to a sex addict thing. And then I got a text from Mr. Broken that changed everything. He had issues while I was gone. Nothing big, but he tried to make it look better than it was and that bothered me. I was instantly tired and upset. So as I was driving, I started talking to God. (because we had just learned at TOFW about the power of praying out loud to God and how that changes chemicals in our brains and bonds us with God. Such cool stuff!)

So I was driving and talking to God. I was telling him I can't go down this road with my husband any more. Not one. More. Inch! This road looks too dark and is too long and too hard. I am tired of confessions and manipulations and lying from someone I have been trying to help. This road is too hard.

All the sudden, the GPS on my phone went crazy. (I didn't know it till later though) It told me "in two miles, continue on I-151"  and then started the 2 mile count down. So naturally I was thinking there must be some kind of fork in the road and I would need to know to stay on I-151.

I got to the 2 mile mark and there was NOTHING. Not even an exit. Just straight highway. And then the GPS showed another 2 miles and said "in two miles, continue on I-151"

Again, I thought "well, maybe it forks off or something. And once again, nothing!! It just put another 2 miles on to my journey and said "in 2 miles continue on I-151"

FOR ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILES IT DID THIS. EVERY TWO MILES!!!

I even turned off the phone and put the address in again, thinking it was just messed up and it could be rebooted. Nope! It still did this every two miles.

And then the spirit jumped in and I was taught. God even used the same analogy I spit out at Him. He gave it right back. This road is long. It does feel unbearable. I can't go down this road and not feel overwhelmed. BUT, God is with me every step, every inch, every mile of the way. And He knows I can do two miles. I CAN do two miles! And when I am done with those two miles, He is right there telling me to continue on. I can do another two miles. And then another. And another. And He is there every two miles telling me to "continue on" He is there cheering me on. He is there giving me strength and hope and support. He is trying to help me do this one step at a time so I don't get overwhelmed. And He is there with me, telling me when it is time to stop or time to turn. He is guiding me. I don't need to fear or be overwhelmed about this journey as long as I am letting him guide me.

I really needed that. Yes, this road feels so long and overwhelming and painful, but we are not alone. We have a loving Heavenly Father who is standing RIGHT there with us on this journey, and he is telling us to "continue on" so that we don't have to feel lost. And if we need to stop going down this road we are on with our lovely sex addicts, God will tell us to stop and turn.

And something else I love about this journey I am on is that God puts people into my life that also cheer me on and give me the strength to "continue on."

I am so thankful that God will never have me do this journey alone.