Give All

Today in church we talked about Cherity. It was a good lesson and well taught, but I ended up leaving at the end so I could go have an ugly cry session.
Why? Because this lesson on Cherity triggered something very painful in me. I long for Cherity, the pure love of Christ. I serve every week in my calling at church so that I can develop more of this kind of love. I put aside my own pain every single day so that I can help my addict husband to work through his selfishness. I spend hours talking with him in a kind of therapist role to let him get to the heart of his addiction. I read articles that help me better understand what he is going through. I pray and ponder and draw upon my own experience so that I can better understand him. I am there for my kids to help them through this difficult time in our family. I help others that I know and love who are also going through this painful situation.
So today, hearing about Cherity and how I need to give more, I just broke down.  Today I just felt that I literally have nothing else to give. I felt like I have given it all and how am I suposed to give still?
So I went to my car and I cried. It was ugly. There was makeup and snot and all kinds of nasty. It felt good. I managed to collect myself for the drive home with my kids, and then I went to my closed and cried some more. I cried for a couple of hours. I prayed and I cried, I cried and I prayed. I literally cried till I couldn't cry any more. Mission accomplished! The only way to stop crying is to cry till you can't cry any more. It works!
And after my crying session came to a close, God taught me. The Holy Ghost comforted me and my Heavenly Father taught me. I equate it to a child who throws a massive temper tantrum and the parent just stands by and let's the child get it out. Then, when the child is too tired to cry any more and too tired to fight, the parent steps in and comforts and teaches. The child is more willing to listen at this point. They don't really have any energy not to.
Want to know what I got?
I was told to send a message to a sister in our ward.
I was told to reach out to a friend who is also going through a hard time with her husband.
It didn't make my physical situation any better, but it changed something inside of me. When I focus on how hard my situation is, I enter into that selfish place my husband is stuck in. I see what that has done to him, why would I go there too?
I can't get stuck in that trap. I just can't. I need to get outside of myself and get to work. I need to be the me I was created to be. The person God needs all of us to be. I need to have Cherity. I need the pure love of Christ in my life more than ever right now and this is how it is grown. It comes from the inside out. The world would have you change from the outside in, but not God. He is always changing us from the inside out. That is what the commandments and sacred covenants are really all about. They are to change our very nature.

When the widow cast in her small coin, Christ recognized her offering as the largest offering because she gave all that she had. I need to start seeing my situation in this same light. Yes, I feel like I have nothing left to give, but that is a good thing. That means I have given my all.

Strong Day

Today was a hard day. I just didn't feel strong. I felt weak and overwhelmed and heart broken. Today, I just wanted a friend to come and save me and tell me everything would be okay. That all of these efforts I am making to help my husband through his addiction was going to be well worth my time and effort. I just want a magic wand that I can wave and make everything better.
Sometimes I sit back and wonder why I am doing all of this. Why? Why am I staying with a man I can't even trust? Is this really the best thing for my kids? Is this the life I really want for them?

Yet, every time I just want to give up, scoop my precious children up and walk away, something pulls me back and says "not yet. It's just not time. You can do this a little longer. People can change. God can create miracles."
And so I stay another day. I stay and I usually learn and grow. But I find myself asking why the learning and growth have to be so painful. Why I can't learn through happier means. Why I can't have my spouse be there to help me THROUGH trials instead of BEING the trial. Why my kids have to go through this when I tried so hard to pick a person that would never do this to us.

The answers to all of those questions don't always come. Honestly, they might never come. But I am not being strong for answers. I am being strong for my kids and for my God. The more I go through this painful situation, the more I see how very little everything else really matters. My kids and my God are all that matter to me. They are my life and my joy. They are my peace and my happiness. As long as I have them, I don't need all of the answers of the universe.

Today WAS a hard day, but I am stronger because of it. So I chose to see it as a strong day.
Today was a strong day.