No Rhyme or Reason

When I started this blog, I was wanting to focus on a story line. I wanted to go through my story in order and really process it. But the more I work my own recovery, the more I realize that my brain doesn't deal with betrayal trauma in a liner pattern like that. My head is all over the place, from the first few years and what I need to deal with there, to the now.
One day I deal with feelings of betrayal about something I remember from 10 years ago, and the next day I am hurting because of something from last year.

So I have decided to just journal my feelings and the day to day events as they come. If they are feelings or events that deal with 10 or 12 years ago, I will process them here. If they are things that I am dealing with right now, I will deal with them as well.

I have to let these emotions and feelings live, be acknowledged, be processed, and then die. That is the only way I will get through this Hell I now find myself in. It is the only way I will be able to remember and record all of the many things I am learning right now.

Healing is not just about my emotional self. It is about how I am doing emotionally, physically and spiritually. My husbands addiction has very much affected all three of these areas in my life and I need to make sure that I am addressing all three. If not, I will not heal. Not completely. I might give the appearance of healing, but if it is not complete, it is not lasting.

So I will be journaling my journey toward healing. My journey toward physical, spiritual and emotional health. It will not be a journey alone. God has been with me every step of the way and I know He will continue to be with me to prompt and guide me. God has helped me to see that this is the only way toward complete healing. And as I have learned so many times, God does not lie. This is about me and my relationship to my Savior.

I cannot trust Mr. Broken, but I can trust God.

So I will be working daily or sometimes just weekly. (or as close as I can come to a consistent journal post)
It is time to heal, to forgive and to move forward. Even if they are baby steps, forward is still forward.