D-Day

My whole body was shaking. It was like I had no control over it. It was not a cold night, it was actually a warm, humid June evening, yet I was freezing. I just needed a blanket. Maybe that would stop the shaking and teeth chattering. I got a blanket, but it didn't help. Nothing could help the cold darkness I felt inside. I felt instantly broken.

I find it amazing how the body copes with trauma. You don't have to tell it to do a thing and it jumps right into gear after hearing a few terrifying bits of information. That was my experience that night back in June. I was in shock and I didn't know what to do. But my body did. I instantly went into survival mode. Eating and sleeping were not an option. My mind was racing in circles, trying to process everything that I had just got slammed with. Every ounce of energy was going toward this one purpose: To figure out what went wrong. How did I become the wife of a cheater?

It all didn't make sense. I was a good wife. I gave him 6 beautiful children. I stayed in amazing shape during and quickly after each pregnancy. (not that the lack of these things would have been reason enough to cheat on me. but in my simple little mind, I thought it would surly help) I made sure I had plenty of sexy things to wear for him in the bedroom. And speaking of the bedroom, I was there! I never had a headache and was never "too tired." In fact, I think I initiated intimacy just as much as he did, if not more. I was not a nagging wife. I kept the house spotless. I made his meals and packed him lunches to take to work every day. We went on weekly date nights and I got flowers on a regular basis. Mr. Broken would even write me little love notes every day before leaving for work. He was a complete gentleman. He opened my doors and pulled out my chairs for me. He held my hand and kissed it when we were together. When I needed a break from the kids, he was all over it and let me get out. We both went to church regularly and served in our various callings. We were both frugal and paid off all of our debts quickly after getting married. We were a good team.....weren't we?
He wouldn't want to cheat on me............would he?

My mind just couldn't make sense of it all. How did I go to bed one night with the man I had spent 11 years of my life with, the man I had 6 babies with, and the man I thought I knew better than anyone else, only to wake up to a complete stranger the next day?

My body and mind just couldn't make any sense of it. It must be a bad dream. It all must be just a very bad dream. That's the only explanation I could come up with. If I just force myself to go to bed alone, while this monster pretending to be my husband sleeps on the couch, I will wake up and it will all be gone in the morning.

And so I went to bed. Alone. With a monster on my couch.